Responsibility:I used to think that my parents think I am responsible. Maybe they do think that I am, but apparently not enough. I always thought that if I asked them nicely, the way I always do, they would let me do things on my own sometimes. Guess I thought wrong. Every single time they ask something of me, I do it for them (most of the time without complaint), where is the reciprocity? I know that it would be wrong of us children to ask for something back, but it is not wrong to ask for a little trust, and a gift.
Yes, I admit, just letting me go out and have fun once in a while is being trusting, and a major gift. My whole life, I was shut up in my house. Not in the abusive kind of way, but if my parents didn’t think I was old enough to go to a school dance, for instance, I cried my eyes in private, but in front of them I complied. There was never any argument for me. I grew up seeing my older sister challenge my parents, always seeking and enjoying herself with her friends. I wanted that life, but didn’t want the whole package. The arguments weren’t very appealing to me, and I didn’t like it. Just to have to raise my voice at my parents, and express a little anger to them, gave me (at times) uncontrollable tears.
Sensitive, yes I am. VERY! I do things cautiously, and I think about every consequences when I do them. Sometimes I have tiny arguments in my head. I think of something to say and immediately after, I contradict myself. This eventually leads me to follow the good girl act, and obey. On the inside I was swimming in pain and tears, but on the outside, I showed no emotions at all. Honestly I don’t know if they knew or not, but I didn’t really care. I really wanted to express myself to them, but I couldn’t do it. Every time I thought about going to that territory I didn’t like, I backed off. Just the thought of arguing with them, just really turned me off. It made me feel like I disappointed them.
Disappointment, it was something I didn’t want to be. I couldn’t bear the idea of being a disappointment. After always succeeding, I couldn’t think about ever disappointing my parents, the people who raised me. It was too much of a burden though, succeeding all the time. I took school seriously (like every other kid), but I was always missing something. I had no social life. While I watched every other kid enjoy being social, and leaving home to “hang” with other non related kids, I felt my heart drop. When will I be able to do that. The only reason why I stuck with my obedient daughter act was because my cousins were in almost the same situation. Our social life outside of school was low. We were kept at home, unable to hang out with kids from school.
My Realization is that I can’t really change any of that. All that I can hope for is the best, and (honestly) expect the worst. I can always try and work my way there, and trust me I have been trying. Sometimes it is hard for me to straight out tell my parents, that “Hey, mom and dad, I just really want to go out with my friends from school today, because it could be the last time I see them. If you just let me hang out with them this one day, I will do anything you say for the rest of the summer (like I always do).” They would listen, I know they do. They just won’t give me the answer I want to hear. They give me reasons why I can’t, “not enough money”, “don’t want you to do those things”, “can’t let you go too far away from home”…. and so on. I love my parents, I really do, they are the best people, and adults in my life. They just make it so damn difficult for me to enjoy my time with them. I am so ready for college. It will be a change for once.
