Something I can’t take right now

Responsibility:I used to think that my parents think I am responsible. Maybe they do think that I am, but apparently not enough. I always thought that if I asked them nicely, the way I always do, they would let me do things on my own sometimes. Guess I thought wrong. Every single time they ask something of me, I do it for them (most of the time without complaint), where is the reciprocity? I know that it would be wrong of us children to ask for something back, but it is not wrong to ask for a little trust, and a gift.

Yes, I admit, just letting me go out and have fun once in a while is being trusting, and a major gift. My whole life, I was shut up in my house. Not in the abusive kind of way, but if my parents didn’t think I was old enough to go to a school dance, for instance, I cried my eyes in private, but in front of them I complied. There was never any argument for me. I grew up seeing my older sister challenge my parents, always seeking and enjoying herself with her friends. I wanted that life, but didn’t want the whole package. The arguments weren’t very appealing to me, and I didn’t like it. Just to have to raise my voice at my parents, and express a little anger to them, gave me (at times) uncontrollable tears.

Sensitive, yes I am. VERY! I do things cautiously, and I think about every consequences when I do them. Sometimes I have tiny arguments in my head. I think of something to say and immediately after, I contradict myself. This eventually leads me to follow the good girl act, and obey. On the inside I was swimming in pain and tears, but on the outside, I showed no emotions at all. Honestly I don’t know if they knew or not, but I didn’t really care. I really wanted to express myself to them, but I couldn’t do it. Every time I thought about going to that territory I didn’t like, I backed off. Just the thought of arguing with them, just really turned me off. It made me feel like I disappointed them.

Disappointment, it was something I didn’t want to be. I couldn’t bear the idea of being a disappointment. After always succeeding, I couldn’t think about ever disappointing my parents, the people who raised me. It was too much of a burden though, succeeding all the time. I took school seriously (like every other kid), but I was always missing something. I had no social life. While I watched every other kid enjoy being social, and leaving home to “hang” with other non related kids, I felt my heart drop. When will I be able to do that. The only reason why I stuck with my obedient daughter act was because my cousins were in almost the same situation. Our social life outside of school was low. We were kept at home, unable to hang out with kids from school.

My Realization is that I can’t really change any of that. All that I can hope for is the best, and (honestly) expect the worst. I can always try and work my way there, and trust me I have been trying. Sometimes it is hard for me to straight out tell my parents, that “Hey, mom and dad, I just really want to go out with my friends from school today, because it could be the last time I see them. If you just let me hang out with them this one day, I will do anything you say for the rest of the summer (like I always do).” They would listen, I know they do. They just won’t give me the answer I want to hear. They give me reasons why I can’t, “not enough money”, “don’t want you to do those things”, “can’t let you go too far away from home”…. and so on. I love my parents, I really do, they are the best people, and adults in my life. They just make it so damn difficult for me to enjoy my time with them. I am so ready for college. It will be a change for once.

Endings

Upward Bound: Due to the government cutting the refunding of many upward bound across the world, FVCUB has been cut too. Saturday, May 19, 2012. The LAST SATURDAY meeting that this organization will have. I am glad to say that we had one more week together before it is all over, but it is not enough. Even though I am going away after this year anyway, I still want it to continue for other students. There are so much things that has happened to me since I joined upward bound.

Ever since I grew up, my own family has been going out and exploring places on our own. UB added to the family excursions. UB not only fed me with knowledge about the outside world, and my education, it gave me another family, to love and care about. For the four years that I have spent with the program, it has given me a brighter view of the world. I remember entering the program with a quiet voice and shy personality. Little did I know that I was going to change.

This change that has occurred in me came steadily. I can seriously say that I was naïve and young as a freshman. Many of the beliefs that I held were shallow, and most if it were close minded opinions. While I was growing in society and going through my mind development, I knew that my thoughts would change naturally. But I never knew that it would change in this way.

My mind and thoughts have opened a lot more since joining upward bound. My knowledge of things have been altered and I believe in a better way too. I want to thank UB for making that happen. I believe that I have become a smarter, stronger, and better person that I was four years ago. I am sad to leave UB, and devastated to leave the program as it is also ending. There are many words that I can use to describe the program, but one stands out more than any other:

HAPPINESS,

SUPPORT, FAMILY, RESOURCES, EDUCATION, CAREER.

Recital: My LAST RECITAL of this school year. I do not know if I will continue doing recitals in college, so I will count this as my last recital. My teacher MRS. SUTTER has been wonderful to me these past three years. I appreciate her generosity, care, and teaching me with the viola. This will definitely not be the last time that I will play the viola though. The joy of playing an instrument will always be in my life. <3 the Viola.

Blogging again!

So we finally got internet in the house again, and I think I will take up writing again. This time I will be trying to write more often, and I will be writing about anything and everything possible.

High School: has not ended yet, although I am happy to say that I am graduating, on June 7, 2012 at 6:30 p.m. at Appleton West High School. I can’t wait for SUMMER to come, and I definitely can not wait for COLLEGE to happen. I am a bit sad and scared of leaving home, but hey, NOW or NEVER right?

New thing, I want to spend my last days of high school happy and fun with all of my friends. This school year has been wonderful, and these past two years have been wonderful with my WEST FRIENDS. I am so happy to have known all of you, and you guys will always remain in my memories FOREVER. Also to my EAST FRIENDS, I will never forget any of you either, I would not be the same if I had not met some of you guys in ELEMENTARY or MIDDLE school. ALL of you guys will be my FRIENDS FOREVER!!!!

Another thing: my Teachers will always be remembered. Everyone of them made me who I am totally. If I had not known any of them, I would still be the same small, naïve little me. I still can say that I have a lot to learn, and am looking forward to meeting new teachers and broaden my horizon.

College: It still has not started, but I am really looking forward to it, so so much.

University of Minnesota-Twin Cities here I come (in August) :D = Honestly I can not wait. I know that there will be many surprises and it will be hard, but I can do it. I am a strong person and I can do it if I try.

Try: something that I have always done. I try. Everything that I do, I try. Trying is not so hard, I just have to care first, and I do care, about a lot of things, too. Trying can get me anywhere, as I have learned over time. From now on, I will always be trying because that is the kind of person that I am. I TRY.

  <-- There I am :D

Writing Prompts (2010)

How much Longer?

300! 300 minutes passed by and I was still sitting in here. Over the past 300 minutes the phone rang 20 times. I had over half of it leave a message, and the other half I picked up.The cabinets needed some assistance, but with my condition, I left it alone. Blurred moments of last night lingered in my mind and the bookshelf three feet away transfigured into a sofa. I got up just as the phone rang. I tried answering in my warmest tone ever, but it wasn’t very convincing. The desk was searched until I found a writing utensil and some notepads. I picked up the fallen photo on the ground for the thirtieth time that day and dropped it on the desk. Another half hour went by, and I found myself tracing the pattern of the crack on the ceiling. Concentrating on it, I could make out the mold build up in the crack. After clearing my eyes of tiredness, the light in the room seemed even duller than before. I studied the door hinges. They were rusty, no doubt old, and it wouldn’t close properly, spilling a thin line of light from the hallway. I noticed the unevenness of the desk top for the one hundredth time of my two years there. I rested my hands on the desk top, tipping over a pile of documents. Leaning over to pick it up, my eyes drifted over the white floor. Dust covered the lot of the ground, especially in the corners and under the lopsided bookshelf. Just as closely as I had studied the ceiling crack, I noticed an almost identical crack along the floor. Fortunately, there was no mold build up. It was then that I realized the clock adjacent the desk was ticking. I sat back in my chair totally ignoring the fallen documents and studied the clock. Its second hand ticked backwards with every forward movement of the minute hand. I quickly swiveled around colliding the chair with the corner of the desk. I grabbed my things and left the room in three quick strides, time to go home.

Create Real Impact Contest

If only…

“Hey! Watch where you’re going!” screams the voice in front of the runner. Hair flying everywhere, tears running down her face smearing black mascara, Alice stops at the sound of the stranger she runs into.

“I’m so sorry. I…I just don’t know where I am. Please help me!” Alice explains. Her heart pounds harder and faster with every second the stranger delays in answering. Realizing that the stranger’s attitude towards Alice was with caution, she tries again.

“My name is Alice Greene. I’ve been running, possibly in circles, for the longest time ever and I can’t seem to get out of here. First off, I apologize for running into you, again. Second, can you tell me where this place is? I’m sure it sounds crazy, and it really is. If I may ask, what’s your name?” The stranger looks directly at Alice causing her to freeze. His face looks quite familiar, she saw him before somewhere, but she can’t quite grab hold of where.

“Ok, Alice Greene, I guess it’s alright. This is Lawrence, Kansas. Yes this is truly crazy of me to be talking to you. And my name is Brian Dawne.” Brian stands rigidly in front of Alice, studying her.

“Thank you so much Brian. I’m from Nebraska—Lincoln, Nebraska, that is. I don’t know how I ended up here, but I need to get back. My family must be worried sick. Is there a phone anywhere I can use? I seem to have lost my phone,” Alice politely asks.

“Ok. That’s not so far from here. I can try to find a local phone that you can use to call your family. I just have to find my way there...” Brian paces the rectangular section of the sidewalk. Alice studies him. She had to have seen him somewhere before.

“Excuse me, where do you live?” Alice asks.

“Left, I think. No, right, and then left. Not quite sure. Oh sorry, what did you say?” Brian responds.

“Where do you live? Maybe I can use your phone instead.” Alice suggests.

“I live about a couple blocks down from here. My phone…,” He searches his pockets. From the inside of his left pocket, he pulls out an iPhone 4. It was bent in from the center, but still usable. “…is here. Strange, I just remember getting it yesterday. How come it’s all bent up?” Brian, confuse about his phone’s condition, makes a face. He looks from left to right, and front to back as if searching for something.

Ring, ring. Ring, ring. The phone rings for some while before a voice answers on the other line.

“I’m sorry. The phone you have dialed is not reachable in your area. Please try again later.” Alice tries three more times before giving up. By the time she finishes, Brian is across the street looking into a crowd. The forming circle attracts more people. Alice walks forward, snaking and pushing her way between people to the front to see the commotion. On the way Alice tries to ask what the ruckus was about.

“Excuse me sir. What is going on up there?” Alice asks. The man blindly ignores Alice and walks on. He doesn’t even flinch or look at her. Annoyance boils from within and she continues forward. Up near the front, Alice peaks behind two couples.

“Excuse me, can I get through please? I want to see what’s going on?” Alice asks with force in her voice. Without talking to Alice, the couples turn around and walk away from the scene. At the same moment, two police cars come zooming into the scene with two ambulances. Four policeman and six nurses exit from the cars.

“Please step back people. Stay back,” Commands one of the policemen. He starts blocking off the accident scene with the yellow caution tape. People start to back away from all-around while some people push forward to get a look of what has happened, just so they could gloat about being at an accident scene to their friends and family. From the pushing and pulling, Alice gets pushed into the accident scene.

It is as if she is invisible to the world around her. She creeps closer to the petite silver Cadillac. Both windows on the left side are shattered. The whole left side of the car is dented in from the hit of another car. The car perpendicular to the Cadillac was a green Chevrolet Spark. Her green Spark! She is sure that it is her green Spark. The beads hanging from her rearview mirror, the black smear on the driver’s door, the green seat coverings, she is sure that they are all hers.

“Someone’s in the car! Get her out. Get her out!” the nurse to Alice’s immediate right orders. The door is taken apart and a frail body cover in blood is taken out. Alice silently creeps over to take a look. The girl looks so familiar, those long brown hair, the bright blue dress, and those blue flip-flops. A police opens the girl’s purse.

“Her name is Alice Greene, from Nebraska.” The policemen walk towards Alice. She yells out to the policemen, screaming at him that he is coming right at her. He passes her with only a blank stare in his eyes.

Suddenly, everything comes rushing at her, the story behind all her questions became clear.

She was driving down to Lawrence to see her best friend Katie, whom she hasn’t seen in a while. She and Katie grew up together. They attended the same elementary school, and middle school. It was towards the beginning of high school that everything changed. Katie’s dad transferred work, and they moved to Lawrence. Since Alice started high school, she couldn’t visit Katie. They still kept in touch, and this was going to be their first reunion before they leave for college.

Alice got pumped up about meeting Katie again and left before her mom came home from work. Right as she crossed Nebraska into Kansas, her mom called her. She picked it up, reassured her mom that she was fine and hung up. Upon her arrival in Lawrence, she received a text message from Katie. Just as she looked down, the light in front of her turned red and the parallel street light turned green.

A silver Cadillac was getting ready to turn, and her car was going full speed towards the car. Alice looked up, but it was all too late. The strength of the Spark collided with the Cadillac, pushing both cars forward. As soon as the collision happened, her head was propelled towards the steering wheel. Her right cheek came in contact with the wheel. The friction between her face and the wheel twisted her head, dislocating it. The front bumper was dented in; the dashboard jutted out and cut into Alice’s stomach.

The driver of the Cadillac was none other than Brian. From the vigor of Alice’s car, Brian’s head swayed towards the window, cracking it. His head was oscillated back towards his right, and back towards the window, shattering it completely. The damage caused him his skull. The back seat window shattered with the force of the collision, pieces of the window sprinkled upon the seats. The interior side of the car came in and pushed Brian’s upper body to the right, confining him in the car. Cars and people stopped in their tracks to take in the accident.

“NO!!!!!!” Alice screams. This can’t be true. She didn’t die. But there she is, dead on the ground covered in a black tarp.

“Dead upon arrival at 7:30 p.m. for both bodies.” the police declared. Alice couldn’t believe it. She only glanced down to text back. It was only a glance. She must be dreaming. She hears footsteps from behind her.

“Alice. Why didn’t you ignore it?” Brian questions.

“I’m so sorry Brian. I didn’t know this would happen. I really didn’t. I’m so sorry.” She breaks down crying. If only she ignored the text message. If only she slowed down. If only her phone was off. If only…

Story Time

In favor of my free time, I have decided to write a story. I'm going to start story writing now.
(I don't have a title yet. But I'll come up with one later)

It all started at the light house. Allison's family, her life, her story. She was little then and never understood the reason for this outcome. Her parents were everything to her except she never acknowledged that fact. Her mom was a beautiful young lady and she never grew old once in her mind. She was always the young lady. Her dad was the same. They both were getting older and older, but in her mind they were always the beautiful and handsome young man and young lady. Allison's story started way before she was born. Her parents met on a college trip to the snow mountains. They didn't know each other then except that they were college students. Her mom, Kayla Heft, left the tour group and wondered out to the forest up there alone. Her dad, Dan Schultz, saw her and followed her. Let's just say he knew her the moment he saw her, like they were meant to be forever. Kayla reached the center of the forest before she realized where she was. She hadn't meant to drift away from the tour group. Something caught her eye and she turned around. There standing thirteen feet behind her was a shadowy figure. She didn't know what to do so she panicked. She started to run. The figure followed her and she ran even more, deeper and deeper into the forest. She felt the figure come up to her and felt their breath on her shoulder. She whipped her hand around and smacked her follower. She heard a cry, like a person who just got smacked in the face by a panicking person. She whirled around and saw her chaser. It was the guy from her science class.
"What the hell do you think you are doing? Following me around like this? You gave me a fright." Kayla walked over to the man and helped him up. He stood up and looked at her with a very confusing, perfect look that it took Kayla two minutes to come to senses about where she was.
"Oh sorry. Um, about hitting you. I just... do you know where we are? Because i don't. And, my name is Kayla, Kayla Heft. What's your name again?" The man shifted his weight from his left foot to his right foot. He took out a pen and paper and wrote something down. He handed it to her.
"Dan Schultz, you nice to meet you. Really, I really am sorry about hitting you. But we need to get out of here. The group must be looking for us." Dan pointed to the direction where they came from.
"Oh right. The most logical way to think. Go back in the direction we came in. Thanks. Come on let's go."From that specific event, started their longest journey ever, together.

Party

Time to get ready and out of here. I am going to rock the performance today. not really. but good luck to my other friends who are performing too.