Something I can’t take right now

Responsibility:I used to think that my parents think I am responsible. Maybe they do think that I am, but apparently not enough. I always thought that if I asked them nicely, the way I always do, they would let me do things on my own sometimes. Guess I thought wrong. Every single time they ask something of me, I do it for them (most of the time without complaint), where is the reciprocity? I know that it would be wrong of us children to ask for something back, but it is not wrong to ask for a little trust, and a gift.

Yes, I admit, just letting me go out and have fun once in a while is being trusting, and a major gift. My whole life, I was shut up in my house. Not in the abusive kind of way, but if my parents didn’t think I was old enough to go to a school dance, for instance, I cried my eyes in private, but in front of them I complied. There was never any argument for me. I grew up seeing my older sister challenge my parents, always seeking and enjoying herself with her friends. I wanted that life, but didn’t want the whole package. The arguments weren’t very appealing to me, and I didn’t like it. Just to have to raise my voice at my parents, and express a little anger to them, gave me (at times) uncontrollable tears.

Sensitive, yes I am. VERY! I do things cautiously, and I think about every consequences when I do them. Sometimes I have tiny arguments in my head. I think of something to say and immediately after, I contradict myself. This eventually leads me to follow the good girl act, and obey. On the inside I was swimming in pain and tears, but on the outside, I showed no emotions at all. Honestly I don’t know if they knew or not, but I didn’t really care. I really wanted to express myself to them, but I couldn’t do it. Every time I thought about going to that territory I didn’t like, I backed off. Just the thought of arguing with them, just really turned me off. It made me feel like I disappointed them.

Disappointment, it was something I didn’t want to be. I couldn’t bear the idea of being a disappointment. After always succeeding, I couldn’t think about ever disappointing my parents, the people who raised me. It was too much of a burden though, succeeding all the time. I took school seriously (like every other kid), but I was always missing something. I had no social life. While I watched every other kid enjoy being social, and leaving home to “hang” with other non related kids, I felt my heart drop. When will I be able to do that. The only reason why I stuck with my obedient daughter act was because my cousins were in almost the same situation. Our social life outside of school was low. We were kept at home, unable to hang out with kids from school.

My Realization is that I can’t really change any of that. All that I can hope for is the best, and (honestly) expect the worst. I can always try and work my way there, and trust me I have been trying. Sometimes it is hard for me to straight out tell my parents, that “Hey, mom and dad, I just really want to go out with my friends from school today, because it could be the last time I see them. If you just let me hang out with them this one day, I will do anything you say for the rest of the summer (like I always do).” They would listen, I know they do. They just won’t give me the answer I want to hear. They give me reasons why I can’t, “not enough money”, “don’t want you to do those things”, “can’t let you go too far away from home”…. and so on. I love my parents, I really do, they are the best people, and adults in my life. They just make it so damn difficult for me to enjoy my time with them. I am so ready for college. It will be a change for once.

Endings

Upward Bound: Due to the government cutting the refunding of many upward bound across the world, FVCUB has been cut too. Saturday, May 19, 2012. The LAST SATURDAY meeting that this organization will have. I am glad to say that we had one more week together before it is all over, but it is not enough. Even though I am going away after this year anyway, I still want it to continue for other students. There are so much things that has happened to me since I joined upward bound.

Ever since I grew up, my own family has been going out and exploring places on our own. UB added to the family excursions. UB not only fed me with knowledge about the outside world, and my education, it gave me another family, to love and care about. For the four years that I have spent with the program, it has given me a brighter view of the world. I remember entering the program with a quiet voice and shy personality. Little did I know that I was going to change.

This change that has occurred in me came steadily. I can seriously say that I was naïve and young as a freshman. Many of the beliefs that I held were shallow, and most if it were close minded opinions. While I was growing in society and going through my mind development, I knew that my thoughts would change naturally. But I never knew that it would change in this way.

My mind and thoughts have opened a lot more since joining upward bound. My knowledge of things have been altered and I believe in a better way too. I want to thank UB for making that happen. I believe that I have become a smarter, stronger, and better person that I was four years ago. I am sad to leave UB, and devastated to leave the program as it is also ending. There are many words that I can use to describe the program, but one stands out more than any other:

HAPPINESS,

SUPPORT, FAMILY, RESOURCES, EDUCATION, CAREER.

Recital: My LAST RECITAL of this school year. I do not know if I will continue doing recitals in college, so I will count this as my last recital. My teacher MRS. SUTTER has been wonderful to me these past three years. I appreciate her generosity, care, and teaching me with the viola. This will definitely not be the last time that I will play the viola though. The joy of playing an instrument will always be in my life. <3 the Viola.

Blogging again!

So we finally got internet in the house again, and I think I will take up writing again. This time I will be trying to write more often, and I will be writing about anything and everything possible.

High School: has not ended yet, although I am happy to say that I am graduating, on June 7, 2012 at 6:30 p.m. at Appleton West High School. I can’t wait for SUMMER to come, and I definitely can not wait for COLLEGE to happen. I am a bit sad and scared of leaving home, but hey, NOW or NEVER right?

New thing, I want to spend my last days of high school happy and fun with all of my friends. This school year has been wonderful, and these past two years have been wonderful with my WEST FRIENDS. I am so happy to have known all of you, and you guys will always remain in my memories FOREVER. Also to my EAST FRIENDS, I will never forget any of you either, I would not be the same if I had not met some of you guys in ELEMENTARY or MIDDLE school. ALL of you guys will be my FRIENDS FOREVER!!!!

Another thing: my Teachers will always be remembered. Everyone of them made me who I am totally. If I had not known any of them, I would still be the same small, naïve little me. I still can say that I have a lot to learn, and am looking forward to meeting new teachers and broaden my horizon.

College: It still has not started, but I am really looking forward to it, so so much.

University of Minnesota-Twin Cities here I come (in August) :D = Honestly I can not wait. I know that there will be many surprises and it will be hard, but I can do it. I am a strong person and I can do it if I try.

Try: something that I have always done. I try. Everything that I do, I try. Trying is not so hard, I just have to care first, and I do care, about a lot of things, too. Trying can get me anywhere, as I have learned over time. From now on, I will always be trying because that is the kind of person that I am. I TRY.

  <-- There I am :D